Judul: Know My Name
Penulis: Chanel Miller
Penerbit: Penguin Books
Rating: 10/10

One of the best memoir I’ve read.

Sebagai penyintas perkosaan, Chanel Miller mengungkapkan apa yang dialami dan dirasakannya melalui buku ini. Semua kebingungan, ketakutan, kepanikan, kelelahan, serta semua dukungan, keberanian yang dia punya dan dapatkan, ditumpahkannya ke dalam buku ini.

Sebagai pembaca, saya seperti diberikan kursi VIP untuk menyaksikan semuanya. Bersyukur ada perempuan seperti Chanel Miller yang mau membagikan ceritanya pada dunia.

Bagaimana saya menemukan buku ini?

Know My Name sempat muncul di bacaan favorit beberapa booktuber luar yang saya ikuti. Rasa penasaran yang muncul setelah mendengar ulasan buku menggiring saya mencari beberapa video interview Chanel Miller di YouTube. Beberapa di antaranya ada di channel OWN-nya Oprah dan The Daily Show with Trevor Noah.

Oprah read a snippet of her book in one of the videos:

“The judge had given Brock something that would never be extended to me: empathy. My pain was never more valuable than his potential.”

At that second, I was hooked. I decided I want to read this book.

Topik dalam buku ini yang mengingatkan saya akan buku lain

Ulasan Buku

Pernah membaca Kim Ji-yeong, Born 1982 atau menonton film-nya? Ada rasa marah yang muncul saat atau selesai membacanya? Kalau saya, iya.

Membaca Know My Name, rasanya dobel.

Buku ini sengaja saya pilih untuk dibagikan di sharing session “Perempuan dalam Literasi: Obrolan Santai Karya-Karya yang Menginspirasi kemarin”, bareng Hesti dan Sintia. Menurut saya, memoir yang ditulis Chanel Miller patut dirayakan dan diapresiasi. Sebagai penyintas perkosaan, menceritakan apa yang dialami sedari awal sampai kasus yang dialaminya ini resmi ditutup oleh pengadilan pasti tidak mudah. Yet she did it. Buku ini jadi penanda. Tanda kalau ada yang salah, tanda kalau ada yang tidak beres di dalam sistem. Tanda kalau ada ada perubahan-perubahan yang perlu dilakukan.

“This was no longer a fight against my rapist, it was a fight to be humanized. I had to hold on to my story, figure out how to make myself heard. If I didn’t break out, I’d become a statistic. Another red figure in a grid.”

Saat membaca Kim Ji-yeong saya dihadapakan dengan society dan culture yang sangat patriarki. Saat membaca Know My Name, bayangkan base line-nya mirip, tapi ditambah lagi dengan sistem hukum dan white privilege. Bobroknya ilusi sistem yang katanya terstruktur tapi kalau kena uang dan bias bisa goyang. White privilege yang menarik empati hakim dan orang-orang sampai menyayangkan masa depan pelaku kalau dijatuhi hukuman yang berat.

Know My Name bukan buku yang “enak” dibaca. Bukan, bukan karena teknik penulisannya. Not at all. Chanel is a talented writer. Kalian bisa cek Highlights di akhir post ini. Caranya meramu kata demi kata indah sekali. Bukunya nggak termasuk buku yang “enak” dibaca karena walau Chanel hidup di Amerika, ceritanya terasa sangat dekat untuk saya yang tinggal di Indonesia. Facing what’s uncomfortable is challenging indeed, but let’s take it as a good start. Let’s take a closer look.

Melihat Indonesia

• RUU PKS yang dilengserkan pembahasannya 2020 lalu karena “sulit”. Kita lihat tahun ini, ya. Akan seperti apa hasilnya?

• Biaya kesehatan, berobat, dan pendampingan korban kejahatan dan kekerasan seksual yang tidak di-cover BPJS Kesehatan. Jadinya dialihkan ke Lembaga Perlindungan Saksi dan Korban (LPSK). Bantuan dari LPSK (yang sumbernya dari APBN) ini bisa diberikan dengan catatan jika ada ancaman, dan untuk kasus penganiayaan berat, korban harus melalui proses hukum terlebih dulu. Pertanyaannya, apakah semua korban sanggup melalui serangkaian proses hukum dulu untuk dapat bantuan ini? Nggak semua orang punya kemampuan untuk mengalokasikan waktu, tenaga, dan biaya untuk menjalani proses hukum.

• Masih ada nama baik kampus yang lebih diutamakan daripada korban.

• The so-called restorative justice. *smh

• Sexist jokes yang masih dilumrahkan. Ingat, pelecehan seksual pun bisa dalam bentuk verbal. Stop menormalisasi “Kan bercanda”. Basi. Nggak lucu. Cek peraturan di kantor (khususnya buat yang udah work from office): Adakah perlindungan untuk korban pelecehan seksual di kantor? Adakah tindakan yang kantor lakukan bagi pelaku? Belum ada? Kita bisa coba minta supaya ada. Lihat teman yang melontarkan sexist joke? Ingatkan.

• Victim blaming yang bikin banyak korban enggan melapor. Menyalahkan korban, memberikan label negatif, membebankan pada pentingnya bukti.

  “Perempuan yang terjerat pasal 284 dan 285 KUHP berada di posisi yang sulit dalam hal pembuktian dari perkara yang dihadapinya. Bukan hal yang mudah bagi perempuan korban untuk membuktikan perkara perkosaan dan/atau perzinaan yang dihadapi olehnya. Tidak sedikit perkara terkait perkosaan dan perzinaan terhenti di tengah jalan atau bahkan tidak diproses laporannya karena pembuktian yang sulit. Pembuktian seakan menjadi suatu syarat mutlak yang harus ada dalam setiap perkara pada pasal 284 dan 285.” - Jurnal Perempuan, Vol. 23 No. 2, Mei 2018.

• Belum ada SOP penangangan korban kejahatan dan kekerasan seksual untuk aparat atau pihak berwajib yang memihak pada korban.

• Minimnya pendidikan seksual untuk anak. Kalis Mardiasih mengunggah ajakan melalui Instagram post-nya hari ini. Unggahan yang bagus. Kita perlu mulai peduli dan mengajarkan anak/adik/keponakan/saudara tentang sentuhan yang boleh maupun yang tidak boleh.

Kepada siapa buku ini akan saya rekomendasikan?

Semua orang, tak peduli apa gender-nya. Buku ini bisa membuat kita, yang merupakan bagian dari sistem masyarakat dan negara berkaca.

Buku lain yang juga bisa dibaca setelah ini:

1. Perempuan di Titik Nol (Nawal El Saadawi)

2. Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men (Caroline Criado Perez)

3. Ada Serigala Betina dalam Diri Setiap Perempuan: Psikologi Feminis untuk Meretas Patriarki (Ester Lianawati)

Highlights

“I didn’t know that money could make the cell doors swing open. I didn’t know that if a woman was drunk when the violence occurred, she wouldn’t be taken seriously. I didn’t know that if he was drunk when the violence occurred, people would offer him sympathy. I didn’t know that my loss of memory would become his opportunity. I didn’t know that being a victim was synonymous with not being believed.”

“They seemed angry that I’d made myself vulnerable, more than the fact that he’d acted on my vulnerability.”

“Boys are people, they have minds, live in a society with laws. Groping others was not a natural reflex, biologically built in. It was a cognitive action they were capable of controlling.” → Ini yang membedakan manusia dengan binatang, bukan?

“My hospital bill arrived, just short of a thousand dollars. My dad called me into the living room, asked me if I knew anything about getting reimbursed. I told him about restitution, how Brock would be court-ordered to pay it off, but only at the end. It would be paid back, I promise. But I wondered how many costs would accumulate. I learned it was expensive to be assaulted.”

“Their behavior was the constant, while we were the variable expected to change. When did it become our job to do all the preventing and managing?” → Exactly. Mengapa jadi bebannya ke perempuan? Mengapa perilaku bejatnya yang lepas dari fokus dan nggak dicegah atau ditangani?

“if they’re bothering you while walking, why are you still walking? It didn’t feel like a solution at all; they’d forced me to seal myself off in a car. I didn’t want to give up my sidewalks.” → Kenapa pakai bajunya seperti itu? Kenapa perempuan lewat situ? Kok jadi perempuan yang harus menyerahkan haknya untuk memilih mau pakai baju apa dan jalan lewat mana? FYI, pernah ada survei yang dilakukan Koalisi Ruang Publik Aman yang kesimpulannya pelecehan seksual tidak ada hubungannya dengan pakaian yang dikenakan korban. Nggak usah ngatur perempuan pakai baju apa. Basi.

“When a woman is assaulted, one of the first questions people ask is, Did you say no? This question assumes that the answer was always yes, and that it is her job to revoke the agreement. To defuse the bomb she was given. But why are they allowed to touch us until we physically fight them off? Why is the door open until we have to slam it shut?” → Pertanyaan yang nggak ada gunanya selain memuaskan ego dan kekepoan sang penanya, dan justru melengos dari akar masalahnya.

“Most of all, nobody on the street talked to me when I was with him; he’d silenced them with his presence. Men had lines other men didn’t cross, an unspoken respected space. I imagined a thick line drawn like a perimeter around Lucas. Men would speak to me as if no line existed, every day I was forced to redraw it as quickly as I could. Why weren’t my boundaries inherent?” → I’m questioning the same thing. I never got catcalled when I walk with a guy. But when I am all by myself, different story.

“I write to show how victims are treated at this moment in time, to record the temperature of our culture. This is a marker, and I hope that in twenty years this grueling aftermath of victimhood will feel foreign.”

“I did nothing wrong. I am strong. I have a voice. I told the truth.”

“Throughout the legal process, I felt like I was always trying to keep up, to not mess up, learn court jargon, pay attention, follow the rules. I wanted to fit in and prove I could do whatever was expected of me. It had never occurred to me that the system itself could be wrong, could be changed or improved. Victims could ask for more. We could be treated better.” → Indonesia, #SahkanRUUPKS.

“The goal should never be to insult, it should only be to teach, to expose larger issues so that we may learn something. I want to remain me. So I use my strength not to shove back, but to exercise my voice with control. Two cyclists. For every person that wants to hurt me, there are more who want to help. I wish there had been a predatory expert, victim expert, consent expert to better educate the jury. We scrutinized the victim’s actions, instead of examining the behavioral patterns of sexual predators. How alcohol works to the predator’s advantage, to lower resistance, weaken the limbs.”

“This was no longer a fight against my rapist, it was a fight to be humanized. I had to hold on to my story, figure out how to make myself heard. If I didn’t break out, I’d become a statistic. Another red figure in a grid.”

“The friendly guy who helps you move and assists senior citizens in the pool is the same guy who assaulted me. One person can be capable of both. Society often fails to wrap its head around the fact that these truths often coexist, they are not mutually exclusive. Bad qualities can hide inside a good person. That’s the terrifying part.” → Berapa banyak pemuka/guru agama yang memperkosa murid/anak kecil, atau orang yang dianggap baik karena sudah kenal dari dulu ternyata ujung-ujungnya begitu juga?

“But how to make them listen? I did not want to be written off as a ranting victim. I remembered learning that  anger was a secondary emotion, the primary emotion was closer to pain. I’d make them hear the hurt beneath the fury.” → Ingin peluk penulisnya.

“Society gives women the near impossible task of separating harmlessness from danger, the foresight of knowing what some men are capable of. When we call out assault when we hear it, Trump says, I don’t think you understand. Just words. You are overreacting, overly offended, hysterical, rude, relax!!! So we dismiss threatening statements and warning signs, apologizing for our paranoia. We go into a party or meeting thinking it’s just a party or meeting. But when we are taken advantage of, and come crawling back damaged, they say, How could you be so naive, you failed to detect danger, let your guard down, what did you think would happen? Trump made it clear the game is rigged, the rules keep changing. It doesn’t matter what you think is assault, because in the end, he decides.” → *BRB, muntah.

“They spoke as if his future was patiently waiting for him to step into it. Most of us understand that your future is not promised to you. It is constructed day by day, through the choices you make. Your future is earned, little by little, through hard work and action. If you don’t act accordingly, that dream dissolves.” → 100.

“Schools are not equipped to conduct full trials, but they have the power to create safe environments, and inflict limited punishment by removing the perpetrator from campus. It is absolutely true and undeniable that everyone deserves due process, especially when consequences are severe. If colleges were capable of sending men to prison it would be absurd. But this is not what we’re asking. All the school can do is say, you cannot study here anymore, you cannot use our library anymore, or the cafeteria, you have to go find another library and cafeteria. If students can be swiftly expelled for plagiarism or dealing drugs, the same punishment should be inflicted if there’s enough evidence to suggest they pose a threat to others. Oh but his reputation! That’s really where he suffers. My advice is, if he’s worried about his reputation, don’t rape anyone.” → HEAR HEAR.

“You will find society asking you for the happy ending, saying come back when you’re better, when what you say can make us feel good, when you have something more uplifting, affirming. This ugliness was something I never asked for, it was dropped on me, and for a long time I worried it made me ugly too. It made me into a sad, unwelcome story that nobody wanted to hear.”

“On June 5, 2018, the judge was recalled. I remembered a quote from him in the San Francisco Chronicle: Women are frustrated by how they are treated by society, how they are treated by the criminal justice system. That passion is genuine. It needs to be expressed. Expressed was the wrong word. We the victims are tired of expression, I expressed a lot in his courtroom. The word we need is: acknowledged, taken into account, taken seriously.”